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Tags: relationships
Where is the weight in the relationship?
I think an interesting look at the dichotomy of anxious/avoidant couples is where the weight of love is being placed and why?
In the anxious/avoidant couple, the weight of Love is placed on the avoidant. The anxious is in love with their fantasy of them and so seeks their approval to feed their own emptiness. While the avoidant feels uncomfortable with the weight that is placed on them, feeling unworthy of it but also blaming their partner for putting it on them. “If only she loved herself more I would be more comfortable” It signals to the avoidant that they are the one with all the value in the relationship.
This leads the anxious to also feel this way and neither of them are “in love” with the anxious as their self-esteem drops and feels a greater need to chase the avoidant.
This is why I felt the desire to “meet a true equal” in my relationship with Kendall, the times I thought she was falling short I questioned her. And I placed more of an emphasis that she needs to love herself more so I can love her more.
It’s also about trust. The anxious distrusts themselves with having love from themselves, and the avoidant distrusts partners having love from themselves. While they both feel uncomfortable in this dynamic because it’s unhealthy. The only true health and comfortability in the relationship is when the weight evens out and they are both healthy.