(I had two copies of this exact note. This first one is dated 05 ‘23. The one following the line is two months later.)
Less examining, more living
The life unexamined is a life unlived. The life over-examined is a life terribly spent.
Losing the childlike magic of “being high” It was such a distant thought as a child.. I didn’t realize I hadn’t let it go.
But floating on the river, knowing myself, being able to notice when I’m in the state of being high. And all those fears and odd feelings is all insecurity. Between the absolute presentness, and self criticism. My nervous reaction of oversharing and over explaining myself for fear of being misunderstood
Social insecurity.
But that fear, the fomo between what everyone is doing. Wanting to be heard All of the childishness.. know that it’s okay to do my own thing
Being comfortable in doing what I’m doing, not needing to be around other’s in an anxious attachment. Feeling the security that I can detach and it makes me more myself. It makes me attract the others.
It didn’t come natural to me, and I always had worries. I was always the one impressed by everything. Impressed myself by how adept other people were.
Perhaps it all stems from thinking I was the only one like this, that was this introspective (and embarrassingly un-humble as this is to say) that was this intelligent from paying attention to it
But it’s hyper focused attention, the same thing that makes my new roommate so obviously insecure to me. Making comments and oversharing. Hiding behind the comments as humor for excuse to overshare our insecurities.
Fyodorish of us