Some of the more difficult discussions in my relationship needed to go levels deeper into development, into the values and socialization differences between men and women.
Obviously, neither of us are experts, but we do have firsthand experience and connections to make from them. (which is all that matters anyways. See: Relationships are about understanding, not truth.) Regardless, we ran into difficulties when trying to claim universal values or universal socialization patterns. It can also be thorny to speak in the first person here, so we found a good workaround. To speak of our experiences and what we assume we were valued for as if we were part of a tribe.
For example: My “tribe” the male tribe can place extreme emphasis on status. We assume this is a great indicator of importance and position. We relate it to our ability to attract mates.
But this didn’t apply to outside members of the tribe, the “male tribe” judges women differently. It prefers things like youthful energy, beauty, not so much status. This is just the culture of the male tribe, it’s agreed upon, true to us. Not true objectively. Not true within the Female tribe per se
I think tiktok almost had something concerning aesthetics with “male gaze” and “female gaze” trends. Though neither of us knew too much about it so it wasn’t helpful.
We found ourselves inappropriately applying learned culture from our tribes into our relationship. Either misplacing a value, or assuming we cared about one thing or another.
In my tribe, I associate most of my value as how useful I can be. This is deeply rooted. Yet she is absolutely convinced that this isn’t the case. The female tribe has been conditioned differently, she didn’t experience the exact same status games which have been a part of my whole life. I decided that even if I’m still going to play along in this game, I can recognize that she isn’t a part of it, and she isn’t keeping the same score that I am. Even if I’ll never understand how she could see me this way, I’ll trust that she does.
Of course, we will always exist in some part within our tribes, We’re not in a vacuum. But we’re slowly learning when to place more emphasis on what we value as individuals outside of the tribe. Rather than just responding to our conditioning all the time.